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Just wanted to write

Looking over the topics I made a while back, I'm glad I put this Mix of Stuff topic in I realised. Just because I feel like writing but don't know what to write on specifically. It's a weird feeling, like an urge to create but too lazy to work on a game, too sad to make a comic and too brain fogged to program. So for some reason writing is a good stress outlet. A way of dumping feelings and thoughts out.

Life's been strange lately, after being sobre now my brain is taking a long time to adjust if you read my earlier drug post. Things all feel and look different. It's quite annoying, no stable point. A constant limbo of sorts. I'll be making some huge life changes soon. Like a part time job. It'll be interesting one day if I become very happy and look back on this more depressive posts. I also get anxiety more lately, it's a horrible thing. Even anxiety about writing this post, how weirds that! hah! I really hope I'm happy one day again... It's what I long for the most now.

Been playing Knights of the Old Republic Online to sorta fill in the time till I feel a bit better again. I loved the old KOTOR games, this was almost close, unfortunately the WoW influence has made it into a bit of a clone. However I'm still enjoying it for now and wouldn't say it's anywhere near as addicting as WoW, but maybe that's just because your first MMORPG is sorta like breaking your virginity into that area of games. You never really can live up to that first game :P I really hope developers for MMO's stop copying WoW and start trying some brand new things. Stop going the raid/instance copout and really start challenging new concepts where we all have to actually fight together in a more complex strategy way instead of button mashing.

I think a normal job with more social interaction is gonna be good for me, heh who knows. Money as well to do what I want again. It's annoying cause it still sorta feels like a step backwards even though it isn't, it used too when I made games full time. Now things are different I guess, growing older having bills, the health problems on top of it making the pressure too much for me to really make a good game. I realised my games got worse the more stress I added. Once I deal with them personal problems maybe I can try again, but right now I can't feel bad about it, it has to be a step forwards. My latest game Super Joe is so much smaller then I would normally do and feels like it's not up to my personal standards at all, but I HAD to release something before going back to a normal job. I had to break that barrier in my mind first. A personal goal of sorts.

I'll be visiting my dad in Perth soon for a couple weeks, it helps get my mind clear again and work out what I really want. Also to work for him for a while doing some carpentry stuff, good old fashioned work to clear my mind and just relax and think. I always miss my family there as I live in a small town 6 hours away called Albany. Theres really nothing to do here. I dunno why I stay anymore actually. Maybe moving will be the big life change. Not sure yet.

Well this was a fun dump of thoughts into a random post. Still playing HON here and there. Addictive game! it's everything in one when I'm bored, quick match join, no commitment, competition, social and leveling up aspect. It kinda makes me not progress though and play other games, this is a bad thing. I've learnt some sayings from people like "Familiar is comfort but it's also never changing" very true, and change is what I mostly need right now.

Another sad part is that I registered Eggys Games as proper business and all, this just happened to be as I went into depression. So on a bad side I have to unregister it all etc for now. On the good side at least I learnt what needs to be done if I ever do turn it into a proper business. I am only young I guess at the age of 23 at the moment. I probably shouldn't worry so much and be happy in knowing how much I've already accomplished at an age younger then other game developers. It's still never comforting ENOUGH though, heh.

Oh life, when did you become so complicated.

I hate writing anything online that's sad though instead of happy. I like to inspire people to make games themselves. In no way should anyone ever take this as an excuse to give up. It should be taken as a piece of learning material on what happens when doing things the way I did. I'd like people to never give up there dreams, but always have a backup plan B with another job at same time. Never delve 100% in until you are completely sure you're gonna be fine in health and money. Cause being creative is almost like you're not trying to make something, but as if it just flows out of you unaided. As soon as you try force creativity for money it will show in your work and make it a lot worse. It's so much the money either, it's just the stress you put on yourself. It's something I'm learning to just let go of. The more popular my games got and the more money I got was actually my downfall it made it all seem so real so quickly.

Didn't mean for this to become so long but ah well. Another good story update on my life, wether it be sad or happy, I just hope it's interesting to read to people. :P

Permalink Posted in Mix of Stuff by Eggy on Jan 22, 2013